i have been the black sheep of the family. always have, always will. whatever i do, they don't see the sincereness, they don't appreciate. Because wtv i do is never good enough, and never will be. Its sad knowing that they don't accept you as who you are, and wants to change you as what they you to be so that you'll be perfect in the eyes of others. when its far from perfect because its all faking!

I've been listening to this almost everyday;
I'm not skinny enough. They keep comparing me to my other cousins/friends. They tell my cousins not to eat alot - nanti gemok macam kakak. tengok(and points at me)
I'm not smart, i know. I'm slow, i know. But part of the reason why I'm like this, its because I'm reinforced everyday that I'm not using my brain, otak dekat pantat, that I'm useless, that I'm BODOH. So it gets into me. So thats why, when i fail something, i don't feel so depressed, because i know i can't make it, that I'm a failure, so whats new ah right.
And the rest, I'm pemalas, tak guna, i don't do anything for the family, I'm not healthy blablabla.. the list goes on, trust me.

Thats not it. It hurts even more when the rest of the family are watching tv together and laughing together and joking around with each other like a happy family, but once i step into the room they all stop wtv their doing-not joking, not laughing, just nothing. And they'll pretend they don't see me, as if i don't exist. Sometimes they would leave the room. Like wtf, I'm putting in effort to bond. And then you say i don't communicate with the family, i care more about si jantan tu(in their words).. I've tried so many times you know, and if this keeps going, I'd rather live on my own. Because it already feels that way, like i've noone already.

So if you're wondering why i turn to/spend more time with my friends/jantan, its because simple things like watching tv, i can't do with you.. so what more tell my problems. You know what else, all these years, i only see them and my brothers as a happy family. With me in the picture, its all chaos and madness and unpeaceful.

I still remember this words, "IDIOT PUNYA ANAK! TAK GUNA ADA ANAK POMPAN MACAM KAU!" And then you pull me by the hair and slap me. And I'll forever remember those fine words. f o r e v e r .

And with financial issues, i offered to take up a job to lessen your burden, but you refused because you say my job as a student, you can't fullfill, you want to work? You never work and you can't get good grades, you fail, and you think by working its going to improve your grades? no need. See, i tried. i really tried.. But everytime, you all refuse, and then you say I'm not playing any part in this family. sure.

I really feel like getting married right now and live on my own. i seriously cannot tahan. Don't laugh, this isn't a laughing matter at all. I really do feel this way.

And i still think you love the brothers more, you pamper them more. so what if you've showered me with uninterrupted love for 5 years. Five years only, out of my whole life? Do you think its fair. You've been showering them and pampering them all their life. And you keep saying you've given me that for the first 5 years of my life. Now i ask you, do you think thats enough. 5 years and a whole lifetime. I still don't know why you keep giving those 5 years thingy excuse. Because honestly, its the stupidest excuse. 5 years???

Still, thankyou for giving birth to me. really, thanks - all the pain you have to go through then. And obviously right now too. And thanks for bringing me up, and taking care of me, and loving me. really, thanks.